Ask Amy: Friend’s Dangerous Husband Asks Couple To Upgrade Their Home Security System

Dear Amy: My wife became friends with “Barb” after Barb and her husband “Jim” moved to our remote community a few years ago.

We spent a lot of time with Barb and Jim.

As we got to know them, it became apparent that Jim is a chronically unemployed habitual liar, hoarder, constant weed smoker, and regular drug user. Barb complained about her abuse.

I tolerated Jim so we could be friends with Barb. Barb told us that many of their other friends do the same.

Jim told me he stalked his wife one night and parked in front of our house, looking for her.

While the couple fed our pets while we were on vacation, Jim changed the landscaping and decor in our yard, and they threw a party at our house while we were away. We found out when we got home.

My wife and I were relieved when Barb filed for divorce and got a restraining order.

Jim’s best friend warned me one night that my wife and I “might want to check into a hotel for the night” because Jim resented our loyalty to Barb.

My wife and I were terrified and have since improved our security. We absolutely want nothing more to do with Jim.

We supported Barb at the beginning of her period of separation and spent time with her.

Now Barb has taken Jim back and put the divorce on hold.

Barb doesn’t want to be friends with us unless we accept Jim as well.

My wife is upset and shocked. They were so close, and now there’s nothing. What can we do?

– Worried Friends

Dear Worried: “Jim” sounds like a threat. Obviously, you don’t like him, you’re afraid of him, and you have valid reasons to be concerned about his behavior.

Jim may be controlling and isolating Barb, and your wife should do what she can to maintain contact with her, via email, text, and phone calls. This contact should be warm, friendly, and careful (Jim may be watching Barb’s phone).

Barb might be willing to spend some one-on-one time with your wife, without the pressure of the two couples socializing together, but if you don’t feel safe in this marital drama, you shouldn’t give in to the pressure. to spend time with Jim.

Barb left that relationship once. To try to keep the door open, your wife needs to make sure Barb knows you’re not judging her choice and that you’re both available to her whenever she needs you.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233)

offers 24/7 assistance via a “chat” function on their website: thehotline.orgor by texting START to 88788.

Dear Amy: I consider myself a moderately liberal person.

I live in a conservative state and belong to a church with conservative views.

I don’t want to project my opinions onto anyone else.

I believe that extremely liberal people are just as narrow-minded as the conservatives they criticize. When my conservative friends criticize an idea that does not coincide with their own narrow beliefs, I say nothing.

I volunteered for an organization that decided it had the right to determine how its employees live and what they should believe. They fired employees who are in same-sex relationships.

I discuss the possibility of continuing to devote my time to this organization.

I could continue to do as I did, and continue to keep my opinion to myself. If I stop, I will deprive vulnerable people of help.

What to do?

– Tired of pretending

Dear Tired: Look around you. There are many, many secular (and some religious) organizations serving those in need that do not intrude on the privacy of their employees or insist on an anti-LGBTQ stance for those who provide or receive services. services.

So choose another organization and volunteer there.

And yes, by all means, you should write a letter to the head of the local organization, copy it to their national office, and explain why you have decided to take your strength elsewhere.

They probably won’t care, but you might feel better – finally using your voice.

Dear Amy: A reader named “Coached” suggested filming an alcoholic to show him evidence of his deficiency.

Although it seems somewhat cruel, a family member finally used me to film me. Honestly, seeing the evidence was what it took for me to finally seek help.

– Now sober

Dear Sober: This is very tough love. I applaud your sobriety.

You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.

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